Written by Bonoshree Dutta
The Anatomy of People-Pleasing
People-Pleasing is the act of putting someone else’s needs ahead of their own – in order to appease that person, avoid potential conflict or seek safety by holding back on own wishes, opinions, needs or desires.
In the Heart of People-Pleasing, lies – FawningFawning is a trauma response and an adaptive coping mechanism against emotionally neglectful or unavailable situations, abusive environments, or experiences of mistreatment.Fawn responses can be very subtle and include:
- Seeking others’ thoughts or opinions to determine own ones
- Having a hard time identifying own feelings
- Instinctually appeasing others at the first sign of conflict
- Yielding to others’ beliefs without a second thought
A people-pleaser wants to be seen as nice, kind, loyal, and selfless, but they continuously violate their own boundaries or dismiss their own opinions to fit in others’ image of ‘kind and nice.’
Signs vs. Underlying Causes
| Signs (What we see) | Underlying Causes (What we don’t see) |
|---|---|
| Saying ‘Yes’ to every call of help | Feeling guilty about setting boundaries and prioritizing one’s own needs |
| Apologizing excessively without being to blame | Fear of being hated or viewed as a “terrible person” |
| Agreeing quickly to avoid arguments | Past trauma leading to conflict avoidance |
| Excessive concern about others’ opinions | Severe insecurity and a desire to appear perfect |
| Suppressing sadness, anger, or betrayal | Anxiety about expressing feelings due to past emotional neglect |
“What’s so bad about wanting to be nice?”
There are significant differences between genuinely being nice and people-pleasing in order to feel accepted.
| Being Nice | People-Pleasing |
|---|---|
| “I can assist you if I am available that day.” | “There’s no way I wouldn’t do what you ask of me!” |
| “Sorry, I am not comfortable with this.” | “Yes, of course—I don’t want to ruin everyone’s mood!” |
| “It’s great that I was able to help you out!” | “It’s great that you approve of my actions and praise me for it!” |
| “My kindness depends on me.” | “My kindness depends on you.” |
| “You are worthy of compassion, and so am I.” | “You deserve to be treated nicely, while I am just a nobody!” |